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What have I done?
I’ll never forget the series of events that
night. I’ll never forget the pained look in his eyes.
 The thirteen of us were gathered around the table for
our Passover meal. He said some strange things that night but he
often spoke in a way that didn’t make a lot of sense to me. He
talked about how he would suffer; how he must go away. He told us
that he would not eat or drink again until the Kingdom of God comes.
He broke the piece of bread and passed it around the table saying,
“This is my body given for you. Do this in remembrance of me.” And
then he took the cup saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my
blood, which is poured out for you.”
I didn’t know what it meant but the twelve of us
ate and drank – but not him. No, he proceeded to get down on his
hands and knees to wash our feet. Can you imagine the humility of
the master washing the servants feet? It didn’t feel right; after
all, I should have been washing his feet.
I remember telling him, “Even if all fall away
on account of you, I never will. Even if I have to die with you, I
will never disown you.” Everyone else said the same thing. I know he
didn’t believe me, he said so and told me that I would deny him
three times.
There was a lot of commotion that night;
everything was so confusing. They came, they took him away, and I
followed. Later that evening I found myself in the courtyard. The
fire was blazing and there were many others standing around trying
to stay warm. Several people seemed to recognize me. I tried to hide
my face – I didn’t want to be noticed - I just needed to be warm. I
felt so cold, chilled to the bone. No matter how close I got to the
fire, I couldn’t get warm enough. My master had been arrested and I
didn’t know what to do.
Then it happened. “This man was with him,” she
said. A little later some else said, “You also are one of them.”
I tried to cover my face but there was
nowhere to hide. "Certainly this fellow was with him, for he is a
Galilean."
I don’t know what came over me but I heard the
words echoing over and over again as they escaped my mouth, "Man, I
don't know what you're talking about!" I turned my head and there he
stood with those pain filled eyes, in the background I heard the
rooster crow and I remembered what he had said earlier, “Before the
rooster crows today, you will disown me three times.”
What have I done? O Lord! What have I done? All
I could do was find a secluded place outside the courtyard and cry.
How did he know I would let him down? How did he know?
The Betrayer,
Brenda Bates – March 2007
Prayer to the Father:
O Lord! What
have I done? I certainly don’t deserve Your forgiveness and I don’t
deserve Your grace. I try to follow Your teachings and fall short
every time. I listen to others instead of You. I read Your Words and
rationalize my actions by thinking they were meant for those in
Biblical times…not now. Our laws say that things have changed and
that the Bible doesn’t matter anymore. Yet, You haven’t changed the
Words…we have. Father help me to realize that what’s written applies
just as much today as it did two thousand years ago. Truth, honesty,
and obedience are real. I’m expected to abide by Your teachings even
though the world tells me differently. Help me to find my way back
to You Lord. Even though I don’t deserve Your love, I beg for Your
mercy and draw strength from Your promise. May I glorify You in all
I do. Amen.
Scripture:
As it is written: "There is
no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no
one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become
worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one."
Romans
3:10-12
My Personal Thoughts:
Haven’t we all
been there? At one time or another we have all denied Him - we have
all been the betrayer. We have all chosen the popular viewpoint
instead of the Biblical one. We choose the evolutionized earthly lie
over the very Word of God. How did He know?
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